I talked to Trish the other day and for the very first time in months, things seemed to be alright again. We were honest with each other about everything and god...I just wanted to hug her soo bad, especially when we turned on our cameras...because I have missed her so much. And even though I don't feel like I used to, I still love her a lot (as a friend). If she only knew though... but I think she does because she knows me so well.

We're slowly re-building our friendship now. That friendship we gave up 1 year and a half ago because were two stupid kids in love who didn't know how to deal with their feelings. Things would be cruisin' along and then something would be said and we'd fall in love with each other all over again. Then things would get all messed up and we'd fight and then we'd have to rebuild our friendship. I guess all that happened because we were just scared to take a chance and be with each other That all happened because I'd always be scared to actually be with her because she meant so much to me that I didn't want to ruin our friendship by dating her. I was scared I'd lose her that way ... and yet, I couldn't help myself from kissing her (and doing other stuff) every time I was around her. I did end up losing her that way too anyway.

Today she texted me saying "I miss you so much Alex".. and then she called me crying so much, when she was at work. She had heard the song Heaven by Bryan Adams...and that was always our song. (When I played that song to her with my guitar we kissed for the first time... so that song will always remind me of that moment and when she told me she was in love with me). She said after talking to me the other day made her realize how much she misses me & still loves me, and how she had avoided reading my poems I had written for her all this time because she was scared of all those feelings resurfacing and not being able to deal with them. But I don't know. I want her in my life because I love her... and maybe that's selfish, but I lost her once and I just don't want to lose her again. I really do wish she was in love with her boyfriend like I thought she was...

I still can't wait to see her anyway, because she's coming here on my birthday, although I'm scared I will hurt her again and I hate that. But I won't think about that...I'll just be happy to see her again, and be able to hug her without feeling awkward.

And if there's one thing I've learned from my relationship with her is what she always used to say: A true friend is someone that you can not talk to for months at a time and then you pick up right where you left off. That’s one of the best friendships you can ever have. I never believed that when she'd say it to me, but now I really do, because its true. It's kind of ironic how much it fits us now too.

mixtapes and memories